I’m sure, by now, you understand that I meant it when I said we were done. I know you’re probably feeling a little out of sorts because we’ve been so close for so long. I can truly say that I’ve never known anyone to stick as close to me as you’ve been, but while I’ve seen our friendship grow, I’ve also noticed other things.
Remember that time in Junior High- with the ice cream cup? That was when we first became really well acquainted. You were so sweet. Form then on, what started off as a simple sundae turned into daily lunches.
And High School! Oh how our friendship grew. I started wondering if you were really bad for me then because my pants size grew, too, but every time I was ready and determined to call it quits, you reminded me of why I fell for you. You’ve always had that kind of hold on me. Even when- and I know you’ll be jealous hearing this, but I’ve got to say it- I cheated on you with Volleyball, Track, and a pretty healthy lifestyle, I still couldn’t let you go completely. I think you knew deep down, though, because you seemed to hold on tighter to me, too.
We could’ve been happy together, you and me.
And then you had to go and ruin it by bringing ’round your friends and family.
The first sign our friendship was nearing its end was when I got pregnant with Camo. I don’t know why you thought it would be a good idea to introduce your pregnant, hormonal companion to all the other lipids in your life, but that was the first moment I caught a glimpse of the real you. Pants that used to fit nicely over my hips now struggled to make it past my knees; my cheeks took on a chipmunk-ish appearance; and my once smooth thighs now showed dimples.
What had I don’t that you felt the need to abuse me so?
I vowed then and there that I would distance myself from you, and -while I didn’t shut you out completely- I was content in the fact that our friendship didn’t blossom further.
It didn’t, that is, until I met your cousins lard and pork fat. Sneaky move, bringing them in to meet me. They seduced me with Mexican food and teased me with Paula Dean cookbooks.
Suddenly, our friendship was closer than ever.
I know, from our history, that our relationship has been on again/off again, so maybe you think this is just a phase- lots of people go through fads; maybe you think I’ll become an Atkins fanatic.
Let me assure you, this will not happen. It CAN NOT.
Please don’t be sad. Its not you- its me. You’ve stuck by me through thick and thicker; I’m just feeling the need to see who I am without you.
So, this is goodbye. Please don’t try to look for me- its no use trying to get me back. Honestly, chances are, you might not recognize me in a couple of months anyways.
I want you to know, I still love you deeply. You’ll probably always have a place in my heart. I want the best for you, though, so if you find yourself feeling lonely, please don’t hesitate to make new friendships. You won’t hurt my feelings.
In fact, I was JUST watching TV the other day and I noticed how many actresses could really use a friend like you. TELL me that having a Hollywood bud wouldn’t just make your year.
So, that’s it. I’ll miss you. Have a great life- I’ll see you in the tabloids!